GTA Fight

We can all agree that the leading men in the Grand Theft Auto series are pretty tough. But when it comes down to it which one would win in a bare knuckle bar room style brawl that would put Willie O’Dea to shame?

The Contenders

In the blue corner…

The small but scrappy collective cast of GTA1 who for the sake of moving things along will be classed as one character. Also the only thing that really changes is their shirt colour. Their main strength is the ability to duck and dive being so small it would make any attacks by the competitors near useless. Their weakness is that from what we can tell they appear to he heads with feet attached.

In the red corner…

Claude, the gruff, burly, man machine from Grand Theft Auto 3. His main strengths are that he was the first proper 3D character with actual facial features. His hobbies include include running over hookers, posing as a taxi driver and climbing up on a rooftop and throwing grenades at pedestrians.

In the magenta corner

Tommy “Vice City” Vercetti, the Hawaiian shirt loving walking stereotype from the 1980s. His strengths are that he looks bad ass on a motorcycle and possesses the ability to go in and out of buildings. He was also the first character to actually think to change his clothes. His main weakness is that since he lives in a different decade to the rest of the fighters by the time we can get them all together he’ll be considerably older. Unless the fight is held in the 1980s then he can just kick their pre-teen asses.

In the forest opal corner

Carl “CJ” Johnson of GTA San Andreas. His strengths include being able to work out to the point where he looks as if he can’t support the weight of his own neck. His main weakness is that his girlfriend will probably want him to go somewhere, usually the club, bar or shooting at passers-by…low maintenance girl really. He also has a penchant for BMXs ad running around the city smacking pedestrians with a rubber phallus (in case you haven’t found that weapon it’s in the cop station I’m not crazy).

The Main Event

The contenders stood nervously in their respective corers of the ring waiting for the fight to start. After the bell CJ was first off the ropes but it soon became clear that he was going for his mobile to phone his girlfriend. This task was soon forgotten after Vercetti made whipping noises in his direction as he leaned against the ropes, rolled up the sleeves on his suit and stroked his muzzle.

The GTA 1 characters were nowhere so be seen, it was only when CJ knocked Tommy Vercetti clean out they were smashed on the bottom of his shoe.

Claude was late into the fight since it took him 20 minutes to run from his dressing room to the ring. He had to stop periodically to catch his breath and eat mysterious red and white sweets he found on the ground.

The two faced off in the ring for a while each taking the occasional jab but the fight took a turn when CJ from all the physical activity instantaneously grew 6 inches onto his chest and fell down incapacitated.


About Jane Ward

I’m finally getting around to updating this section. I’m a recent Journalism graduate, and love flexing my writing muscles by updating this blog. I’ve had a fair bit of work published in a number of publications including student magazines and also in the national press. This blog isn’t the most serious one in the world as you may have noticed, it’s mostly for fun but I do try and post as much serious work as I can. More recently I’ve been involved in music journalism as it’s always been a passion of mine. I’m always open to submissions so if you have a demo or anything you’d like reviewed or previewed I’ll gladly post something. Hope you enjoy the blog
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1 Response to GTA Fight

  1. The Phantom Lord says:

    This is an extremely funny blog.

    Well done, man.

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