The Revels eviction is undoubtedly the most important political event to have taken place this year, maybe even in history. And so we must treat it as such, placing what care and reverence we can into this life-altering decision. There will always be a place in our hearts for each of the Revels, whether we like them or not, but no matter which sweet gets voted out, they are all winners…except for the loser.
Coffee
One of my favourite of the Revels family. The fondant doesn’t taste strongly enough of coffee for non coffee-drinkers to complain about the taste, but there’s that unmistakable aroma which makes you feel like you might be a cowboy leaning against a fence with a cup of Maxwell House after a hard day herding cattle. Sorry where was I? Oh yeah…Coffee is nothing but deliciously mild fondanty treat whose inoffensive flavour can be enjoyed by all.
Orange
The most delicious of all revels. Sweet and just a little bit tarty. All of the other revels are lacking in comparison to orange’s tangy goodness. Part of the excitement of Orange is not knowing if its going to be a coffee or an orange one. Toffee tries to look like them but he’s all bobbly. Coffee and orange are a double act, keep them together *If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me…ooooh noo baby please don’t go…*
Chocolate
Arguably the most useless of all Revels. Why if all the other Revels are coated in the stuff do we need one that is solid chocolate? It’s just a Minstrel with no skin. I’m not saying don’t like this flavour but to be honest if it means sacrificing coffee, the chocolate is the most expendable flavour. If you need the chocolate that badly why don’t you just gnaw it off all the other sweets put it into a big pile and eat it separately. Or buy a bag of sweets that isn’t marketed as having variously flavoured centres.
Toffee
I like toffee. It takes me back to my childhood days of cruising sweetshops looking for anywhere that sells poppets. Poppets may I add now only seem to be available in bathroom vending machines. The less said about that the better.
Raisin
Fruit has no place within a bag of sweets! However tasty it is, I voted for raisin, but I did so tactically knowing it was in second place behind coffee. I saw my chance to save coffee and dammit I took it. I stand by my choice and if I had the chance I’d do it all over again!
Malteaser
I have nothing against Malteasers in Revels. Except for a vitriolic hatred that gurgles at the back of my throat at the mere thought of them. They’re the only brand name Revel, and because of this, thinks it’s better than the other Revels. Malteasers are delicious, but If I want a bag of Malteasers I’ll go out and buy one. They never taste quite as good when they’re mixed in with the other sweets. I love Malteasers, really I do but they just taste bland when your taste buds are already over stimulated by the other flavours.
Many is the time I bit into what I was expecting to be an orange or coffee sweetie only to hear that distinctive crunch. With only a split second to react I have no choice but to bite into what I thought was going to be a soft sugary centre. I don’t mind crunchy things, hey I love crunchy things, some of my best friends are crunchy things. But it’s the trauma of expecting one thing and getting another. Malteaser Revels are liars. Given half a chance they’d deceive you and everyone you care about.
Final thought: I like Parma Violets so really should you be listening to me about this?
My suggested Revel replacements:
1. White chocolate centre covered in milk chocolate.
2. Lemon
3. Nougat
4. BRING BACK PEANUT
